The First Ultrasound

Finally got the call yesterday to come in for an ultrasound this morning!

Now we know we're expecting just one little bundle of joy, and even though I'm disappointed both embryos didn't take, I must say I'm relieved. I think we both are. We would have been ecstatic if it were twins, but we also knew it would have been a lot more expensive and a lot more work!

So one baby it is! 

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On a side note - as I lay in bed this morning waiting for my husband to wake up for our appointment, I was hit with a hunger so intense that I was almost nauseated. You know what I mean? So hungry I felt like throwing up, but there would be nothing TO throw up if I did! I had to snack most of the morning (healthy snacks! Dried cherries and light string cheese) before the sensation went away, but I sure was worried there for a minute.

I haven't experienced morning sickness yet, but I'm heading into the time frame when that's typically supposed to begin. I'm hoping beyond hope that it doesn't hit me hard, but I guess there are never guarantees!

Waiting For Our First Ultrasound

Yes, we have entered a new state of waiting, but this one is MUCH less anxiety-ridden!

This is happy anticipation, not constantly over-analyzing worry.

Now that I know the embryo transfer took and I am indeed pregnant, I can definitely feel a difference in the womb. For the first week or so it felt like fluttery gas bubbles, and now it's just starting to feel tight (the uterus itself on the inside, not my tummy). Nobody could tell from the outside, because as of today I'm only officially five weeks.

This period of waiting, however, has brought on one question I'm sure most women who get pregnant naturally don't wonder - is there one baby in there, or two?

As I've said before, we transferred two embryos, but we have no idea if one or both of them actually stuck. For now, when my husband and I refer to our potential offspring, we're constantly using a strange double-talk. The other day my husband actually used this sentence (in response to me asking what he wanted for dinner), "What do-does the baby-babies want?"

I'll go back-and-forth using the singular and plural, and my husband's getting antsy and keeps asking when we get to find out.

Patience, husband, patience. :)

The Results are In!

My husband has been really anxious for the past couple days, but I didn't really get the butterflies until we were waiting for the phone call with our day 10 blood pregnancy test results from this morning. He had to go into work today (and it's Saturday), so I fielded the call on my own:

Office Assistant: Do you have time to go over medication instructions?

Me: Of course!

OA: We're going to have you continue on all the same medications, and we'll have you back in on Monday for another blood test.

Me: ... Okay... Aaare there any results from the pregnancy test?

OA: Your HCG level is at 224

Me: ... And that means...?

OA: You are in the early stages of pregnancy.

I mean come on really... This is the news we've been waiting for for a long time, and you've gotta use terminology that doesn't really mean anything to me?

But anyhow, YAY!

I've been having waves of bad cramps when I stand up after sitting for a while, and lots of tummy flutterings. Other than that, not much.

Now the husband wants to take me out to a celebratory dinner! There are still other things that can go wrong from this point on, but at least the most unsure, anxious, suspenseful and sensitive part is behind us!

We were both having a really hard time trying not to let our hopes get too high, but now we can actually let ourselves start planning and start considering a whole different set of questions: How do we announce to the family and to everyone else? Did both the embryos stick, or just one? When will I start feeling more symptoms?

Here we go!

Misconceptions and Annoying Questions

If you've told people you're thinking about, or are actually going through IVF, you're bound to get your fair share of annoying or ill-informed responses. Here are some of my favorites and (more often) least favorites, to which I may add to as things progress:

"Be careful, that's how people end up with multiples!"

It's awfully hard to get unintended multiples through IVF. After egg retrieval, and carefully observed fertilization, you only have a finite number of embryos the doctor can put back into you, and you get to choose how much that is. Even if you do select multiples, it's not guaranteed that all will stick!

I think what you're looking for is fertility drugs that cause multiple eggs to release, or unethical fertility doctors.

"I know someone who was having trouble conceiving and considered IVF, but as soon as they stopped trying they got pregnant!"

Well woo-freaking-hoo for them! Sorry if I'm coming off a little bitter here, but why does everyone think this is supposed to help? My husband, whom I love and adore, is incapable of producing sperm possibly affected by his non-functioning pancreas, thank you, so your "just relax" approach is not in the least bit comforting.

Why do people always assume it's the woman's failed reproductive system?

I posted something on Facebook about one of the parts of infertility that's really a drag, and I kept getting sympathetic comments directed at my supposed personal inability to carry a child with no thought to the fact that it might possibly be an issue with my husband. He's not too thrilled about our friends and family knowing that he doesn't have swimmers (understandably so), so I respect that and keep my trap shut around them. I found it hard, though, hearing him talk to his mom on the phone and just letting her assume that it's a me problem without correcting her.

I guess I just have a thing about telling the truth, and this blog is my haven to vent all the dirty laundry.

"You're still newlyweds! You're still young! You have plenty of time!"

I actually got this from my OB/GYN's phlebotomist at the very onset of initial testing before resorting to IVF. I know she was only trying to make friendly conversation, but that just deflated me. My husband is six years older than I am (not that shocking) and is a widower (meaning he tried with his first wife too with no success for a number of years). He has also been a type 1 diabetic his whole life, which can do a number on your other internal organs. He is very well aware that he may not live to the average adult life span. Because of this, he wants children as soon as possible so he can be present for them. I've always wanted kids anyway, so I was more than happy not to wait. Also, my husband is already an awesome uncle, so I can't wait to see him be an awesome dad.

So don't you dare tell me to take my time. If we had, who knows how long it would have taken to find out the true source of our infertility! We are on our own timeline and nobody else's. You telling me to wait does not comfort, but is condescending and completely makes me feel like you don't think my feelings on the subject matter.

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Comment below if you have any to add to the list!

Questions and Waiting

Sometimes it feels like all we are doing is waiting. Before we found out why we weren't conceiving, we were waiting to get pregnant. When we started seeing doctors, we waited for appointments, tests, and results. When we made the decision to start IVF, we waited for our fertility center's next cycle to begin. We waited for retrieval day and transfer day. We then found out we would have to wait another month for transfer. Transfer day came and went, and now we have the most anxious wait of all - pregnancy test day.

Transfer was Wednesday, today is Sunday, we have a preliminary blood pregnancy test tomorrow, and our definitive test is next Saturday. That's when we find out if the embryos (or at least one of them) took, and my body has started producing pregnancy hormones. These are the 10 days that will make it or break it for us. This is the time where every little thing I do makes me wonder if it is negatively affecting the embryos that were put in me:

Did I overdo it at the buffet while my father-in-law was in town this weekend?

Pardon the frankness, but I've had bouts of really smelly gas. Could that be a positive pregnancy sign?

Did the stress of trying to find a pharmacy that carries one of my many medications within driving distance ASAP do any damage?

Did the worry of wondering what I was going to do if I was a day late in taking one of my meds because a pharmacy might not be able to supply us in time do any damage?

I maybe felt a touch of queesiness last night... Is that a positive sign, or am I just reading too much into things?

When making an announcement to the ladies in church today, I burst out crying. Was this because I'm hormonal, or was it just because I was talking about something I really care about?

EVERY little thing gets micro-analyzed, and I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this process who has done exactly the same thing.

We hope for the best, but try to prepare ourselves to be ready for the worst. All the while I wish I could just scream and finally know the results!!! Even if it's negative, I want to be done with all the waiting and be able to move on to actual planning!

Excuse me while I go scream into a pillow!

Transfer Day!

It feels crazy, how quickly this day came, and this time we were actually able to go through with it!

The worst part was definitely needing a full bladder for the transfer! When we were finally called in from the waiting room I had to lay on the table for longer than I had hoped before the doc came in.

Lying there holding my husband's hand was the first time I started to get emotional, like this is for real happening holy crap, but the moment quickly passed.

We soon heard Doc talking behind a door adjacent to the procedure room and mentioning my name several times, and he finally came out and showed us a magnification of our embryos on a flat screen mounted on the wall. Pretty much little transparent circular blobs, one of them with a little bump on it. He told us that they thawed two of our four frozen embryos but one of them didn't look right, so they discarded it and thawed a third.

That means we've just got one left to work with if we want another pregnancy without doing another retrieval round. A little disheartening, but we want a big family, so we've known for a while that we might need to do at least one more round to fill out our brood. That's especially true if our last embryo doesn't survive thawing or ends up being irregular.

Anyhow, the transfer seemed to go fine (unless you count wanting to pee every time the nurse pressed the ultrasound wand into my belly), but the waiting afterwards was torture! I had to lie there for 20 minutes - one of the nurses set a timer - before I was free go get up and use the bathroom. My sweet husband tried to distract me by doing a crossword on his phone out loud, but unfortunately all that did was make things worse!

I am proud to say, though, that I made it through the entire time and made it to the toilet without embarrassing myself. ;)

So now I'm on a sort of modified bed rest for the next couple days! Already got the rest of the week off from work, and my orders are to try to sit or recline as much as possible, only getting up 15 minutes of every hour to do the necessaries, and as my friend who is currently expecting due to IVF told me her nurse told her, "nothing that bobs your ponytail!"

I've got an early blood pregnancy test on Monday, and another official one the following Saturday. The husband says he will start letting himself get excited then if the results are good, because it is more likely for something to go wrong in the next week-and-a-half than it is following.

In the meantime I am to keep on all current medications and add on an antibiotic for the next four days. If the blood tests are positive, then guess what? I keep on the meds for another ten weeks! Hooray! (did you catch the sarcasm?)

But seriously, science is awesome, and we wouldn't have a shot in hades of having children of our own without all the poking, prodding, and medications.

Keep sending happy thoughts our way! We're not in the clear yet, so any prayers and good vibes we can get would be much appreciated!

:)

Surprise! More Meds!

We're just one more day away! (from Embryo Transfer, that is)

It's hard not to get excited, but we're trying to keep the emotions under the surface (my husband is much better than I am at this right now) because we were supposed to do this a month ago right before Christmas, conditions just weren't right.

Before egg retrieval you're given an HCG trigger shot which is supposed to help release the eggs from the ovary so the doctor can harvest them, etc. Well, apparently my body was SUPER good at absorbing the HCG, causing my estrogen levels to go through the roof and sending me into the early stages of ovarian hyper-stimulation (think mild flu symptoms). According to my doc, if we had gone through then with a fresh transfer, I had a 20% chance of getting full-blown hyper-stimulation requiring me to be hospitalized for the duration of the pregnancy. Not a very pleasant outlook.

We were given the choice on whether we wanted proceed, and we decided it just wasn't worth it. I took it pretty hard, but in the long run my husband I agreed that a month's difference isn't that bad, and it's best that I remain healthy.

So they froze our embryos and I got off all meds and was given a new date in January. My hormone levels normalized, and I was put back on the meds to prepare my uterus for embryos, and since my retrieval was already out of the way, I had no need of the HCG shot that was the cause of all this business in the first place.

Things this time have been going well, and yesterday morming I had yet another routine blood draw (I have become quite friendly with our fertility center's resident vampire/phlebotomist), to check that my hormone levels were all in check for our scheduled transfer. I got the normal call that afternoon to talk over results, and surprise, surprise, one of my meds needs to be increased in dosage, and I need to add another med to my regimen.

I am SO glad I downloaded the Dosecast app on my phone, because I have one pill I have to take two off 3x a day, estrogen patches I need to change every three days, the dreaded Projesterone shot right in the rear every single night at 7pm, and now a newly-added Projesterone pill 4x a day. I have always been a very healthy person, so I am just not used to having to remember to take so much stuff!

And I swear, I have no idea how some single women can be so baby-hungry as to do this all on their own, a la J-Lo in The Backup Plan (which admittedly I've never actually seen), especially those darn butt shots. Seriously, I count myself lucky to have such an awesome husband who isn't scared of needles (he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a young child, so he's no stranger to giving injections) and is completely willing to administer them for me.

Speaking of injections, people tried to tell me that it will hurt less if you do it yourself. I'm calling bull crap on that one. Well, maybe that's true if you have a squeemish partner, but I tried and I couldn't even bring myself to puncture my own skin. Having the husband do it for me was awesome because #1, he's quick about it, and #2, I'm allowed to look away. I watched once (with the leg and belly shots I had to take prior to retrieval), and it hurt so much more because I was anticipating the pain and knew exactly when it was going down.

So anyhow, if you could send some good vibes my way, that would be awesome! Like any hopeful parents-to-be, we want everything to go as smoothly as possible!

Love and peace!